Sometimes I feel like I worked so hard to get rid of my destructive coping mechanisms, but now what do I have left? I can usually use insight and logic to help myself with depression, but right now I have nothing. Logic just seems to make everything worse in this exact moment. I realize that for anxiety I’ve gotten really used to utilizing another person to ground me. I think that is mainly why I miss my last boy so much, why the end of that relationship was particularly hard. He was always there for me as a strong and calming force. Even in the beginning when I had anxiety about our first kiss, he held me for a bit and asked for permission because he could tell I was nervous. He never told me my anxiety was bad. He never acted like it was a burden to make a decision for us or to talk me down from whatever neurotic mess I’d worked myself into. I miss the hugs, and cuddling, and handholding. It made me feel safe around him. Like if for some reason I failed, he could fix it. Feeling like I had that safety net helped me feel more confident and secure in my own decisions. I never felt like he judged me. That’s what made him different. I’m afraid I’m not going to find that again.
All I want is to have his arms around me and a kiss on my cheek before falling asleep. All I have are endless tinder dates and the feeling of missing him.
- Me: I met a boy.
- Me (two days later): nevermind